


idontwannabeyou

by kamalasparker



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Depression, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Safe Haven, Suicide Attempt, The Maze Runner Spoilers, Thomas is depressed, gally is a good guy, post tdc, seriously why do people think gally is so evil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 10:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17242334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamalasparker/pseuds/kamalasparker
Summary: You deserve to be happy.“No, I don’t,” Thomas whispered out loud, tears blurring his vision, “I really fucking don’t.”





	idontwannabeyou

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is a trigger warning, there are referenced self harm and suicide attempt written in here! please skip this if you don't feel comfortable with stuff like this. :)

You deserve to be happy.

Thomas held the crumpled paper in his hand. It was worn out, the yellow colour turning into a darker brown due to the amount of times Thomas held it out. The edges were more torn than before and Newt’s carefully written words were starting to  fade.

He tried to zone in on the waves crashing, the sound always bringing him some kind of peace. On normal days, mostly. Today was different.

It was six months after Denver. Six months after Newt had plunged the knife into his own chest. Still to that day, Thomas couldn’t look at a knife without feeling the urge to vomit.

This ruled him out of a lot of work he couldn’t do. In the end, Vince let Thomas lead by his side. Of course, with a leadership role that high, it came with a lot of work and responsibility. Thomas liked that.

It meant that he could keep busy. Work and work and work, until he didn’t have space to think of the blonde boy.

That day, however, was a little different. There wasn’t much work to be done because the whole Haven was throwing a celebration, as they did every month. Everyone wanted to celebrate the first arrival at Safe Haven. Their own Independence Day, sort of thing.

Thomas felt dirty celebrating it. How could he?

How could he be happy, knowing that he left behind two of his closest friends? How could he be happy when the blood of Newt was still stained in his hands and his mind? How could he be happy when there were still hundreds of people left behind, with no cure or anything to salvage them from the impending doom?

How could he sit here, celebrate and laugh and smile when he was the cure to everything?

It wasn’t right. It never felt right.

As Thomas stared into the horizon of the ocean, he began to wonder.

Would everything be different if he didn’t fight against WICKED? Would they have found out that Thomas was the cure to everything? Could he have saved everyone? Could he have saved Newt?

You deserve to be happy.

“No, I don’t,” Thomas whispered out loud, tears blurring his vision, “I really fucking don’t.”

He turned his head slightly, looking over his shoulder to take a glance at the bonfire.

From the edge of the beach, he could see Minho and Brenda dancing. Thomas chuckled under his breath, sniffling loudly. He had never seen Minho dance. He had never seen Brenda look so happy before. Yet there they were, dancing to the song blasting out of an old speaker.

Thomas was the one who found it when they were scavenging for resources, along with a few cassettes. He recognized the song, he didn’t know the title, but it was one of his favourites.

Everyone had moved on. Everyone was happy.

Thomas wished he could be like them. Instead, he was stuck in a constant black hole. He either felt everything or nothing. He hated it so much, that he resorted to inflicting physical pain to try and forget about it. Sometimes, it was punishment to.

Punishment for living. Punishment for living when he shouldn’t be.

And slowly, Thomas began to think that he had a choice in that.

Turning back around, Thomas removed his thick jacket. He ignored the cold wind that nipped at his skin and took off his combat boots. Thomas slid back the letter into the container hanging around his neck and took his own note out of his pocket. He laid it down beside the bottle of moonshine and his jacket.

The wind was howling loudly, accompanied by the deafening sound of the ocean’s crashing waves. It got louder and louder as he stumbled towards the waters.

First, he felt the ice-cold water around his feet. Breathing raggedly, Thomas closed his eyes and kept on walking. He walked until the water reached halfway his legs. By the time it covered his thighs, he heard someone yell his name.

“Thomas? It’s freezing, what are you doing?”

Gally. God, no.

Thomas refused to open his eyes. No backing out now.

“Go away,” he shouted, his voice cracking.

“Hey, shuckface, come back here!”

Thomas didn’t respond. He just continued walking, salty tears running down his face. Gripping Newt’s necklace firmly in his hands, Thomas tried to ignore how his breathing got more troubled.

Gally didn’t give up. He sloshed around in the water, frantically hurrying towards the brunette. The waves were getting more violent, which made it difficult for Gally to walk properly.

“Thomas! Thomas, you idiot!” the taller boy managed to take grasp of Thomas’s arm, “what the hell are you doing you – “

“Let go,” Thomas tried shaking him off.

“No! Thomas, stop!”

“Please, Gally, just go back.”

“Go back? Don’t be stupid, I’m not leaving you here!”

Their voices were being drowned out by the ocean. Thomas could barely hear him.

With one harsh tug, Thomas stumbled backwards and fell. He finally opened his eyes.

Anger coursed through every vein in his body. Why couldn’t anyone leave him alone?

“What the fuck?’ Thomas screeched, pushing off Gally who was now standing above him. Waves of water enveloped him from behind. He tried to crawl away, but after days of not eating and only drinking once every few hours, Thomas was drained of all energy.

He could only sit on the sand, his entire lower half under the freezing water. The one thing Thomas still had the energy for was to cry. Tugging at his hair, Thomas sobbed until his throat hurt. He couldn’t move, frozen in that position as Gally stood in front of him.

“Come on,” Gally gently hooked Thomas’s arm around his shoulders, “let’s go back.”

Thomas let him practically drag him out of the ocean and onto the shore. He just kept sobbing, not bothering to wipe off the drool trailing down his chin.

It took them a while but they reached the shore safely. Gally dragged Thomas towards his abandoned spot and set him down. Thomas couldn’t do anything but sit with his legs stuck out, body slumped. He was trembling like a leaf, teeth chattering as his cries turned into softer whimpers.

Gally moved quickly, helping Thomas back into his jacket. He had removed his own jacket and piled it on top of Thomas’s shaking body. He put on Thomas’s boots back for him after taking out his wet socks.

Once Thomas was all bundled up in the jackets, Gally finally exhaled and flopped down beside him.

Neither of them knew what to say. Thomas wanted the world to swallow him whole. It was so unfair.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Thomas didn’t answer.

“Alright.”

Gally blew hot air into his hands and rubbed them together quickly. His mind was at a disarray and he was shaking just as much as Thomas was.

There he was. One of the leaders of the Haven, completely defeated and broken. Thomas had been so strong for everyone in the community. He was always so brave and so selfless, putting others before his own self. And the one time Thomas was selfish, it was in the most horrible and self-destructive way.

“Do you know Amy? The girl that keeps hanging around with me and Fry? Red hair, blue eyes, very cute,” Gally started.

Thomas refused to move, choosing to stare right ahead at the dark sky.

“One day, we were just sitting around after dinner. Fry was telling the other kids stories from that storybook we found. He was reading them some story I can’t remember. After he told the story, he asked all the kids what they wanted to be when they grow up. Some of them said they wanted to be the leader of Safe Haven, some wanted to be medics

“When it was Amy’s turn, she stood up and said ‘I want to be like Thomas’.”

Thomas flinched.

“Fry asked her, ‘you want to be in the Committee’? Amy just shook her head and told us she wanted to be as brave as you were. She wanted to be a hero like you.”

“I’m not a hero,” Thomas finally spoke up, his voice barely above a whisper.

Gally turned to face Thomas, “maybe so. But to her, you were. You really wanna know what you are, Thomas? You’re a symbol of hope. Not only to Amy, but for all of us here.”

“We need you here. Okay? Amy needs you here. Vince needs you here. Fry needs you here. Brenda, Minho, me. We all need you here. You can’t give up on us. Not now. You lost too much for you to give up,” Gally placed his hand gently on Thomas’s shoulder.

“And we’re not expecting you to be strong 24/7. We all break, Thomas. And that’s okay. But you’re not alone. You never are, please don’t ever forget that. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain and I know there’s nothing we can really do to help that. We can’t bring Newt or Teresa back,” at the sound of their names, Thomas started to tear up again.

“I don’t know how difficult it is for you. But the only thing I know is that we have to try and live. For them. We can’t let them die in vain. Even if moving on feels wrong. And believe me, it isn’t. We deserve to be happy. You deserve it, Thomas. You deserve to have a happy life.”

 

Thomas can only cry harder.

 


End file.
